A great deal of the following summarizes my feelings thoughts and questions about my love life. The defining desire to connect muted by inability.
I’m scared. Scared to paralysis. Scared to be vulnerable and to let someone get to know me. Painfully shy, constantly worried I might say the wrong thing. What to say at any moment whether a new idea or simple response bottles under pressure inside my brain and is dammed up in there, trapped where it pools and nothing comes out of my mouth. I stare at the person that I am supposed to be conversing with and all I can think is, ‘Say something,’ and all I can do is stare at them with my mind working at a 1,000 paces per minute trying to come up with something good enough to say but it never seems able. The words do not come and the harder I push for them to come the less and less there seems anything left available to choose from and my lips may part as if I’m about to speak but all I do is smile and nod with not a word spoken and I can’t breath. My heart racing in my chest and all I want to do is get the hell out of where ever it is that I am.
What am I scared of? Being rejected. Being unloved. I’m scared about my future, I worry what will happen to me and who will love me and will anyone ever come along that cares for me, ever. Will I ever become a part of a team and be able to share these burdens and feel trust and knowing that we are in something, what’s left of this life, together.
My soul mate would be kind and loving and tender and patient. He is funny and we are light and together we laugh, and then we laugh more. He will want to hold my hand and offer his shoulder for me to lean my head upon and will want to pray with me for good things to come to those we love and those we do not know alike. We would wish for the betterment and well being and peace for all men and women and the animals and oceans and trees.
We will be tender with one another and above all truthful, even when it is difficult, especially when it is difficult. I will trust his love instinctually. He will trust my love too. Our union will be a white light of warmth that others will draw strength from and love by just being around us and not really even knowing why. They will be drawn to our strength and recognize it as good and whole and kind. My soul mate is physically fit and likes to cook healthy flavorful food and experiment on Friday and Saturday nights. We share books and ideas of things we may never invent but wouldn’t it be cool if we did and it existed and we could pick it up from a store shelf and say, ‘We made this.’ Because everything that exists today was an idea once. It was once a picture in someone’s brain and they had the fruition and wherewithal to bring it to life. I want to bring things to life too, with you, good things, useful things that make people happy. I want to bring things to life with my partner, with my soul-mate, and we can feel happy and connected and peaceful in seeing our hard work come to life.
If I knew years ago that I would still be alone by this age, well, it’s a good thing I didn’t know, it’s a good thing no one told me. It would have probably killed me, the knowing of the loneliness that was waiting for me. The years without parents and children of my own.
I wonder how many of those years I have left ahead of me? Those lonely years, you know the ones – that beat you back again and again and tell you there’s something wrong with you and you’re not lovable and everyone else around you is happily sharing and connecting and you’re not despite wanting to so desperately; you’re not connecting because you do not deserve to connect with another human being. You know those feelings. They creep over you like black soot and can choke you if you let them.
It’s good you didn’t know how many years of being alone waited for you. It’s good you do not know now how many years of being alone wait for you still. It cannot last forever, can it?
But you, dear Soul Mate, out there somewhere, bumbling along and stopping for coffee and grocery shopping and perhaps going for a run or thinking about planning a ski trip. You out there beautiful soul mate, can you feel me longing for your hands and your heart to reach for me? Can you feel my own heart humbly opening for you to come home and stay. I pray for you every day. I pray for peace, for me, for my family. I pray for love. I pray for hope to stay in my life and let it be the primary filter thru which I see the world.